Dad

Daddy,

I've been thinking a lot lately. I'm 18! I'm legal, I'm an adult. But then I've been thinking. What have I done for the past 18 years of my life. One thing I know, I've been slacking a lot. Waaaay too much. I haven't been serious about anything, happy-go-lucky, just like you said, wondering around aimlessly. I'm in form 6, yeah, so what? Frankly speaking, I really have no aim, whatsoever. I don't know what I'm going to do about my life. I never expected anything out of myself. I just took everything the way it is, SPM comes SPM goes, now its STPM. Now I'm in Biology stream, but I don't really know what the hell is going on. I pictured myself in the future, but I can't get a glimpse of anything. That's the shitty part of Malaysian Education, you don't get to learn what you like in the secondary stage, only in college.

I'm asking myself, what do I like most? I don't know. Computers? Science? I have no idea at all. And why am I taking Biology in form 6? But now, I'm trying to find out what I want. I'm on a quest, a mission to realize my dreams. I promise, I'll make the most out of my life, I'll get what I want. I'll take on those subjects even if its not on my favourites list.

Another thing, I've been thinking. I'm missing those old times, when I was a child. I still remember the times you spent time with me. Hanging out with me, buying me Snickers and playing ball with me. Teaching me new things, you've shaped what I am now. Then there's this gap in the past few years. A void. Is it the generation gap? I don't think so. I've always wanted to talk to you, treat you as a friend. I wanna tell you lots of things, things that happened in my life, crazy stuff I've done. Have some man to man talk.

I'm 18 now, I'm an adult. I wanted to tell you how much I love you. You've been working hard to your bones, to feed us, to give us shelter, I wanna tell you how much I appreciate you. I'm not an introvert, I can do all sorts of shit with my friends, talk all kinds of crap, but then I'm thinking, why can't I do the same with you? You're my dad, for heaven's sake. Maybe you're too caught up in your work, to provide us with the best comfort and luxury. I appreciate it, I really do. I've been stupid, unappreciative for the past few years, I'll make up to it. I promise.

I wanna do all sorts of stuff with you, to go out in the night with you to have a coffee, or even a beer. To talk about your work, and anything at all. I'm not complaining. You've given me all the best in my life. There are lots of things I used to feel like complaining about, small things, big things. How I've always wanted stuff that you never bought me. I truly understand, we're not born with a silver spoon in our mouths. I'm perfectly fine with that, thats why I'm always keeping those complaints to myself. I remind myself of how hard you work to keep us healthy, to keep us in comfort. I'm contented with what I have. Really. You've always been my childhood hero, my idol. The words you tell me give me inspiration. Whatever you do, I take into account as a great thing.

And I remember those surprises you gave us, small surprises or big surprises, it doesn't matter. Whether its a book or a toy car, I remember I was always happy with the surprises. Where did all those go? I missed those times. I know you've been working hard these few years, I'm really sorry I didn't give you a hug, or tell you I loved you for so many years. I understand how hard it must've been, to be working all alone. Come to think of it, I haven't hugged you for so long, I haven't told you I love you for so long, I'm sorry, I really am.

I'm shedding tears the moment I'm writing this, I wanna tell you how much I love you. We've been missing out a lot lately, I mean a LOT. And I feel foolish that only now I've thought of that. How hard it must've been for you. We need to make some changes, life is short, we must live it to its fullest. I wanna go out with you, grab a beer, have a smoke, crap about all sorts of shit, laugh about it. Once again, I'm really really sorry I haven't lived up to your expectations. I'll make it up to you. I promise I'll make you proud. I promise you'll be proud to have a son like me. I want you to know that I appreciate you, as I know how much you've appreciated me.

I love you, dad. I really do.

Nigel.